Episode 11- The end of my world

"IGNSTSMF" (I Got No Switch to Stop My Fantasies)

A collection of my favourite sweet Deric fantasies, written by Kikisan.

Please, do not repost it in any place without asking permission and crediting me & this blog, thank you!  This fic creates a series of fantasies were Danny and Eric will be the main actors.  Every episode described on this fic is 100% fictional and has no base on reality.  A fantasy is an imagined event such a daydream.  It’s not real and in some cases, the re-enactment of such events are illegal and immoral at the same time so please keep in mind this and have fun.  Thanks to all of my readers

Episode 11- The end of my world

The last goodbye?

From Eric’s point of view

When I watched Melodifestivalen 2012, everything for me was like the strangest dream I have ever experienced.

I knew I was awake of course, but it felt so unreal at the same time.  I saw the love Molly and Danny performing.  I wanted to approach to them.  As if there was an important message I have to deliver to them.

But of course, everything was okay? I said to myself.  Why do I have this feeling as if something is going to happen.  Something… tragic.

It was like a strange shock.  The type of cold feeling you once get when there is something very important you need to know but you still do not remember.  And for some reason, I knew this episode was not going to be easy.

But why? When I had arranged my feelings and I was ready to give the next step.  I was decided to put everything clear in my life.  To be openly a bisexual man who loves both his girlfriend and boyfriend.  The world needed to know that I was in love of f***g Danny Saucedo and that there was nothing bad about our happiness.

The idea of my previous plans is painful to me.

The contest continue as some of the journalists had anticipated.  When it was Tooji’s turn to give Norway’s points I have to admit that I felt a little bit miserable.  But there was nothing I could do.  Finally I knew what I wanted to do.  

Loreen won the contest.  My sexy Danny came in second place and Molly came in 5th place.  But after that destiny revealed to me in the after party.

I wanted to approach Danny.  I had to dance with some of my crew members and pretended that I was having fun.  I even had to escape some journalists when I caught Danny in my eye.

He noticed I was watching him and he left.  I followed him.  He needed to know that I knew how he felt.  But then, when I entered the same room outside the party, Danny Saucedo broke my heart as nobody has done it before.  As no one will ever do it again.

• Why are you following me Eric Saade?- He asked me.  Danny tried to sound rude but I saw he was crying
• Because I love you.  And I want to say that I don’t care about the people.  I don’t even care about our careers.  If I can’t have you I will not love anyone else.  Man or woman.  You are the man of my life!
• STOP ERIC SAADE!  BUT I CARE!  I WILL NOT LET YOU DESTROY YOURSELF BECAUSE OF… ME.  I don’t worth it.
• Look Danny- I tried to touch him but he did not left me. And that hurt myself so much. - Whatever that idiot called Tooji has told you...

But then Danny’s face turned angry.  I could see his anger.

• It is not even that!  How could you be so idiot Eric Saade?  Are you so stupid to know that we cannot be in love!  Have you talked with Molly for a while during the last days?  Well I have done…
• I, yes…- I tried to talk but words did not work this way
• If you want to jump and destroy your career well do it.  But how can you be so… so… hideous to forget about Molly.  Eric, I don’t love you anymore.

I knew Danny was lying.  But it did not matter at this point.  I knew Danny.  That stupid boy pretending to be such a big man had decided that he wanted me out of my life.

•  So this is the end?
• I guess it is- He said.

I slowly left the room.  But I never looked back.

On the following days I cried for hours.  I felt devastated for weeks.  I read how Danny had “started a relationship” with my now ex-girlfriend.  But of course I knew deep in my heart that it was just a fake relationship to “protect me” and to “protect her”.  The reality was that it was more about protecting himself from the truth.

But life continued anyway.  And as it has happened to me other times, I did not die.  I just became a different person.  I was more mature.  A little bit wiser but also, I had lost an important part of me.  That Eric that opened his heart and smiled with innocence to the cameras was dead.  The one who believed in fairy tales and once saw the most beautiful blond boy and thought for a precious yet too short period that he could be the love of his life won’t come back any more.

That was the end of my world as I knew it but the start of something new.

Episode 10- The end of my world

"IGNSTSMF" (I Got No Switch to Stop My Fantasies)

A collection of my favourite sweet Deric fantasies, written by Kikisan.

Please, do not repost it in any place without asking permission and crediting me & this blog, thank you!  This fic creates a series of fantasies were Danny and Eric will be the main actors.  Every episode described on this fic is 100% fictional and has no base on reality.  A fantasy is an imagined event such a daydream.  It’s not real and in some cases, the re-enactment of such events are illegal and immoral at the same time so please keep in mind this and have fun.  Thanks to all of my readers

Episode 10- The end of my world

Dreaming the same dream

From Eric’s point of view

I knew I was sleeping but at the same time, I was experiencing one of these strange feelings you have when you know you are sleeping but you don’t want to wake up because you know, there’s nothing more that you one that what you are seeing right now.

But it’s an illusion.  It’s not real at all.

I dreamed I was in a balcony.  Molly was with me.  We were living the time of our lives.  

The atmosphere was beautiful.  I was the city.  It must be Spain in summer.

Molly couldn’t take her eyes from me and neither could I.  She has won the Melodifestivalen and was preparing for her great performance in the Eurovision Song Contest just as I did a year before.

I was simply smiling because finally, after all the pain, all the reasons that made me a sad person has simply disappeared.  I was happy again and I have fixed my life.  I was with the girl of my life... and the boy of my life too because, something in my heart told me that HE was there too.  Life would not be as half as interesting if it wasn’t for Danny.

But it was just a dream.

Suddenly, everything turned white.  I didn’t felt hopeless or sad because, from the beginning I knew it couldn’t be real.

It may sound stupid but at this time in my life, I was getting to the conclusion that happiness was not made for me.  I just couldn’t find it until I could have self control over my life, my business, the persons I care.

Oh lord.

But I had to wake up.  

No matter how beautiful a dream could be.  They are just dreams.  

They don’t give you answers.  They don’t tell you the future.  They don’t make you a better person.  They are simple a collection of the things you want, your doubts, your fears, an idea that you can’t get out of your head.

Well, it wasn’t that bad.  After I bathe I looked myself in the mirror to shave me and I smiled to me.

It was the first smile I had in days.  A small ray of hope was here with me.

I hoped this means something.

Maybe it was simply because Melodifestivalen would end this day.

So I went to the Arena.

- What do you think that would win?- a reporter asked me

I smiled

- I don’t know.  I just can say that I hope Molly would win.

A few more questions and the interview ended.  When it will be broadcasted, the media will probably make it look like if me and Molly were trying to come back together.

Just as I wished.

But as usual I really don’t care how the people would interpret my word.  Maybe that was the reason why people think I’m “stupid” or “cocky”, for being myself.       

Sigh

At least it was good to know that everything was about to end for  the good or bad sake of it.

The last act of a shadow

From Tooji’s point of view

I was crying again in the middle of this important night.  In a couple of minutes I would be in front of the cameras giving the Norwegian jury points for the Melodifestivalen, acting as if I was happy, just like the public want me to be.  

For a moment I thought I had the most beautiful boy and I thought there was the slightest chance that I could make a difference and that he could be mine.

How stupid was I for even try to approach to him!

He was in love with Danny Saucedo.  Oh I hate that guy.  Why was he even born?  Why does he have to take what I want.  What I most want.  Eric Saade!

It was pure hate what I was feeling for him.  I hate his existence, I hate that he could have Eric and I don’t but I hate him most for being so stupid to the point of making the boy unhappy and leave him in a moment like this.

I hate him because it was so easy to make Eric happy.  But he doesn’t do what it takes for the good sake of it.

The feeling was not rational.  Hatred is never rational.

And let’s admit it.  After all my angoisse I also was hating myself.  I should be the Persian prince coming to rescue the man of my life.  But instead I had to be the antagonist of this fairy tale story.  The bad guy.

No.  I was wrong again.

I was not the antagonist.  I was a shadow in the love story of Eric Saade.  A shadow that he’ll soon forget.  Even my name.

I was feeling sick.  As sick as a person hungry for revenge would feel.  

If I was the character I never want to be in this story.  So I will be.

Please director, unveil the curtains and let this horrendous story begin.

Suddenly a  noise wake me up from my shady thoughts.  It was like if an evil spirit had heard my prayers and the playing has started.

The door keep knocking and I could not ignore it anymore.

It was that idiot, Danny Saucedo in his stupid astronaut suit.  

He also watched me with disgust.

None of us talk and I was sure that Danny was wishing to just disappear.  If only he knew I was here he definitely would not enter here.  But he was right there.

Just as I wanted.

- Where is Eric?- He finally asked me using an accusing tone of voice, like if it was my fault that he wasn’t here.

- I don’t know.  Why do you want to talk to him.

- It’s not your business, pretty boy- he said and he looked at me again to make me know that he was wishing to have a good reason to kick me so hard and attack me as a hungry wolf.

Or maybe he was just discussing if it was a good idea to fight with me right now or if he could wait by the end of Melodifestivalen.

If that was the case, he decided that it was more “civilized” to keep talking.

But then I smiled with pleasure.  Because I knew exactly what to do next.

- That’s what you think.  That Eric is alone.

He saw me with incredulity but, then I continued with an evil rush of inspiration inside of me.

-  Well you are wrong.  Eric has told me everything.  How you have left him alone when he needed you more.  

Do you think you deserve to be with a boy like Eric Saade?  Eric worths more than you ever imagine.  Why are you trying to come with him?  Haven’t you notice how you end up hurting Eric every time you get near him, you idiot.

Yes, tell me: what do you pretend?  aren’t you satisfied after all you’ve done these days?

Danny barked something out loud with pure anger.  Something I couldn’t understand with my language notions but it may be spanish.  By the tone it had to be an insult definitely.  

He got closer to me and he raised his arms and I stepped back.  He wanted to hit me but suddenly he just got back and run.

In a blink of an eye he disappeared.  This was the last time I saw him that night.        

Episode 9- The end of my world

"IGNSTSMF" (I Got No Switch to Stop My Fantasies)

A collection of my favourite sweet Deric fantasies, written by Kikisan.

Please, do not repost it in any place without asking permission and crediting me & this forum, thank you!  This fic creates a series of fantasies were Danny and Eric will be the main actors.  Every episode described on this fic is 100% fictional and has no base on reality.  A fantasy is an imagined event such a daydream.  It’s not real and in some cases, the re-enactment of such events are illegal and immoral at the same time so please keep in mind this and have fun.  Thanks to all of my readers

Episode 9- The end of my world

At the café

From Tooji’s point of view

- Thanks Danny

I couldn’t help myself.  I felt anger when I first listen to this words.

However...  

I wasn’t so sick to lose my perspectives.  I knew who I was.  I knew I was nothing but another act, Eric Saade has meet and that he was being polite.

But I could hardly hide my crush on that “Swedish definition of male perfection”.

In a perfect world

This would never happen

In a perfect world

I’d take the place of Danny Saucedo

Because, what I’ve heard confirmed the worst suspicions to me.  Eric Saade was gay, just like me.  But he had a boyfriend.  He was dating that Danny Saucedo.

Why life do this to me?

- You haven’t said a single word in the whole road.

- It’s because I’m nervous- I lied.  - I have a lot of pressure.  I want to make things right and hopefully win the Eurovision song contest

- That’s ok.  I used to feel a little bit nervous when I start singing- Eric said and then he added with a smile- but hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen? That you fell on stage and make a horrible performance to the point that everybody will hate you in Norway

- Thank you Eric!

He laughed again.  His laugh was like a beautiful melody for me.

Finally we arrived to the cafe.  We sit one in front to each other without saying a single word until our order arrived.

Two margaritas.

I had that feeling that I was about to make a mistake but at the same time, there was an urge to do it.

For some reason, Eric looked nervous.  There was a guilty look on his eyes.

I wished I could know what was happening at that moment inside of his head.

- Eric, you are the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen

Eric Saade opened his mouth but he couldn’t say a single word.

He was literally in shock.  But I could not stop right after that.

- I know this sound stupid.  But you mean so much to me.  Why on earth I didn’t meet you before.

I slowly approach to him and he was so near to me, my fest just a few inches far from him.

All his angelical beauty next to me.  I could even count the freckles on his face at this position.

His breathing accelerate.  He couldn’t move.  He could not react at all.

- Eric I love you- I insist.

A short pause

- Eric, I need you.

In a blink of an eye, I felt Eric Saade was about to cry.

But he was still there.  Frozen like a statue.

I didn’t feel good about it.  But I had to do it.  I came directly to him, ready to kiss him.  I could even felt the sweet touch of those beauty, pink lips.

Where is he

From Danny’s point of view

I had a bad feeling.  I could not explain with words but it feel awful.

Something, deep inside in me tells me that I was about to lose something.  That some misfortunate events were about to happen.

I didn’t like it but how could I stop this feelin inside of me.  

My heart tells me however that it must be something about Eric Saade.  My boy was completely destroyed.  I could see it even if he stupidly tries to hide it

- Do you know where is Eric?

- Pardon

- Yes... Eric Saade- I replied to Malin after a short pause

- Oh

- Yes- I smiled.- That Eric

- I don’t know... he was practicing with Norway’s Eurovision entry but he should be here at this time.

I had a bad feeling when my fears were confirmed but I try to ignore what my heart was telling to me.  I had things to do.  I needed to think about me and my career.  

I was in the middle of the finals.  It was not the best time  to deal with a depressive guy who was surrounded by a Norwegian bastard... I hate that Tooji!

But in the end, I had to leave my pride and call to Eric.

It was 3 pm.  I have responded to the interviews and also I have made my first rehearsal of the day.  And Eric?  He didn’t gave a fucking life signal

One ring, two ring, three ring.

Nothing happened.  It was not until the fifth one that finally someone answered the phone.

- Eric?

I got no response

- Eric, is that you?  It’s Danny.

- Eric is not here.

I lose my nerves

- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

- I’m Tooji- he said with a neutral voice but I was sure he was just pretending to be that neutral.  He was enjoying the situation.

- Has somebody never told that you should not answer someone’s mobile phone.

There was a paused.  Maybe he felt embarrassed or was just deeply thinking something hurtful to tell me in reply.

- I’m sorry.  Eric left his mobile phone in my house.

What the...?

- Pardon

- Yes, he was in my house and we talk for hours...- he added and I could even imagine that big evil smile upon his face.

- Then tell Eric I called him- I angrily said wanting to hang up the phone

- Your name is Danny?

- Yes

- And you are...?

- Eric’s best friend.

I wanted to say boyfriend but I am not that idiot.

- Oh really?

- YES

- It’s funny, cause I was with Eric all day long.  And WE TALK FOR HOURS, but he never mentioned your name.

An evil voice that come backs to me once in a while was screaming

KILL HIM, KILL THAT FUCKING MORON

But instead I replied

- Oh really? That’s funny.  Whatever, I’ll try to look for him later to hang around with my boy.

- Maybe I can...

But I didn’t let him finish this time

- Don’t worry Tooji.  I’ll find him.  You’d better keep your rehearsing thing... your country did a terrible result last year.  Don’t mess it up.

I didn’t wait for an answer.  I simply hung up the phone

I took a taxi focused in just one thing.  I need to see Eric Saade right now.

Temptation

From Eric’s point of view

Here I had that beautiful guy approaching to me.  

I tried to pretend I didn’t notice anything but we got to this point.  I am not naïve, he wanted to kiss me.

Don’t try to control it Eric Saade.  You know you want HIM.  You don’t have anything after all.  You have lost all that you love, Molly.  Danny won’t be there for you... there’s no hope Eric, just let you go.  Kiss him- A voice inside of me was telling me.

It felt worse than anyone can imagine, because, at this moment I felt it was right.  I felt the tears coming up my eyes.  I was about to cry in front of Tooji.  I was confused about how this new boy could make me feel this way.

But he didn’t notice anything at all.  

Danny would notice that something was wrong.  I just can’t lie in front of him

He get closer to me with only one purpose... I could even watch every detail of his wet lips.  Ready for a kiss but then

I backed up.

- Did I make something wrong?- Tooji asked me

- No, it’s not.  It’s just that...

I sighed

- Let’s just act as if nothing has happened.

By the expression on Tooji’s face, that was worse than if I simply slap on his face.  And I felt guilty about this.

- Man, I just don’t feel right.  I feel destroyed.  I am having some personal struggles.

- You can talk to me- he insisted.  - You can talk to me as a friend.  There’s noone else here, or if you want, we can drive to your apartment.

He looked at me and he honestly looked worried and wanting to care for me, probably in a way I could not fulfill...

His brown eyes looked so warm and beautiful with the light.  As if they have the power to read my soul when they reflect me.

I was feeling butterflies in my stomach again.

And I started talking about me and my life since I met Danny as I have never done with someone.  For some reason, I fell in temptation in some way and I open my heart to this “new boy” without being aware of his real intentions.

Finally, we get to the big point.  Molly has left me because she felt like an obstacle for me and my dreams.

And I started crying.

i thought Tooji would try to give me an advise.  However, he just put his hands on me and dried my tears with his fingers.

A few seconds later we were leaving that restaurant but before that, I hugged Tooji.

He was there, listening to me.  At least he deserved that.

For a few moments I thought that hanging around with Tooji was a good idea and that I have found peace.  That I was finally ‘cured’ from the pain that was killing me from inside.

Until I was in front of the door of my apartment and all the old memories came to me.

I wished I could die I told myself.

I took the key out of my pocket and I open the door.  When I finally entered, I tried to sleep in the sofa of this place that represented too much for me but that suddenly has become a house of terror.

I didn’t feel so lonely as I was feeling in that moment.

I lost my sense of the time.  When I opened my eyes it was night.

I took my mobile phone, looking for a phone number I was so used to.  Molly Sandén.  I was thinking about calling her over the last days.

Maybe after all these days... she’d want to talk to me and explain me what exactly has happened.

But I didn’t have the guts to do it and face a new disappointment... until now.

The phone started ringing.  One time, two times, three times

- Hello... Eric?  Are you ok?  What’s hapenning?

I had to hang up.  I felt weak and hurt just after listen her voice.  The voice of the person that used to be my girlfriend.

I lied in my bed, dying inside and feeling powerless.  Alone.

I should call my mom.  This atmosphere is making me sick.  That would be a good idea.  I need to spend some weeks in my mom’s house- I thought.

I didn’t know why I haven’t thought about it before.  Probably because I felt so independent to share my problems with the person I love the most and cares the most for me in the whole planet.

But not today.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day.  I’ll plan everything... after Melodifestivalen final.

I will be my liberation day.

Someone was knocking the door.

It took me a minute before I opened the door and it was Danny.  We looked at each other for a few seconds.   

If I were faster or smarter I’d noticed how Danny’s expression suddenly changed from being anxious after waiting for me for hours to another expression I couldn’t interpret.

- Eric Saade, this is enough.  We have to break up.

What was he saying

With these words I went back to reality.  My only little hope, the only reason I was still alive (half alive) has gone.  And now it was gone.

I was dead.  A living dead.

I couldn’t said any word.  Danny understood it and now he looked judgemental.  It was worst for him to face me like this.

I guess he’d rather prefer to see me protesting, screaming, calling him a motherfucker or even hitting me asking him why he was so mean to me, why did he wanted to break up with me and destroy my life.  

But I couldn’t do anything because, deep inside, I felt I deserved it.

- Look at you!- He insisted.

- Look at yourself, Eric- he repeated but this time with a softer voice.

- Eric, you have a problem.  You are destroying yourself and I... I don’t feel strong enough to see you like this.  You need help.  Something that I obviously can’t give you.  

- But...

- I tried to be with you when you fall and support you.  But it’s obvious that it’s not working man.

He was right.  I have nothing to said.

He was an idiot.  With that stupid heroe attitude.  He wanted to sacrifice himself now that he thought he was the problem.

But that was how Danny Saucedo was.  And I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t the same after Molly Sandén has left me.

I was less than a shadow that what I used to be.

I closed my eyes, because I have feared of watching him leaving me.  But when I opened my eyes, he was still there.

Danny slowly kissed, as if he might think that his touch could destroy me into pieces.  He put his arms on my shoulders and a few seconds later he was taking my clothes off.

We made love but it didn’t feel the same.  Because I knew there was no tomorrow.

In my mind, I felt the rain.  Even if the weather couldn’t express what I was feeling inside, I felt the rain and the chaos all around my house... and I felt death as I felt how Danny was doing me.

When we both were finished we sleep together.

I was in Danny’s arms.

Next day, when I opened my eyes, he was already gone.

It was a new day.  

The thought of this reality didn’t give me hope but I couldn’t say that I was depressed as I was over the past days.  Maybe I have fallen to a point that pain couldn’t hit me harder than it has done already.

I just felt empty.  I couldn’t have anything for granted in this new ‘life’.  But I was alive.

I needed to find a reason why I was still alife.  

Episode 8- The end of my world

"IGNSTSMF" (I Got No Switch to Stop My Fantasies)

A collection of my favourite sweet Deric fantasies, written by Kikisan.

Please, do not repost it in any place without asking permission and crediting me & this blog, thank you!  This fic creates a series of fantasies were Danny and Eric will be the main actors.  Every episode described on this fic is 100% fictional and has no base on reality.  A fantasy is an imagined event such a daydream.  It’s not real and in some cases, the re-enactment of such events are ilegal and immoral at the same time so please keep in mind this and have fun.  Thanks to all of my readers

Episode 8- The end of my world

Obstacle

From Tooji’s point of view

I was in front of the most gorgeous man in the whole world.

The whole world? I mean the universe... he was.

Oh my God.  I could not explain this with words.

If you have watched a picture of Eric Khaled Saade and you think he is sexy, I have to tell you that he is like one hundred times sexier when you watch him live.

I swear.  I am not exaggerating!

Touraj calm down kid- a voice in my mind that looked like my mom’s told me.

Eric was smiling at me.  Probably he was imagining that I was in shock for a different reason.

I could not say a word.  I was so astonished that for the first minute I must admit that I didn’t notice there was a boy standing in the corner of the room.  He looked impatient.

- Oh, I forgot to introduce you. -said Eric with a big smile on his face realizing that I was looking at Danny

-This is...

- Danny Saucedo- I finished his sentence.

- And this is Tooji, Danny.  He is going to represent Norway at the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Danny just nodded.  That stupid boy on this ridiculously gay astronaut dress.  I hate him!

- Nice to meet you I say and I shake my hand even if I wished he got out of the room.

He ignored me

- Eric... Can I talk to you?

Eric looked a little bit nervous.  He got closer to Danny and whispered something on his ear.

Danny wink at him and kissed Eric on his forehead before living the room.

Eric laughed.     

When Danny was about to leave the room, he gave me a final look.

I don’t need to be a nuclear scientist to know exactly what this face means “Get away from my man now bitch!”  

Eric smiled with confidence.

- So, Tooji, do you like soda?

- What?

Eric Saade laughed

- I usually offer coffee to my guests but the coffee machine is broken so I thought.... hahaha

- Whatever

- Now, tell me a little bit more about you.

The butterflies started again.

Apparently Eric didn’t notice anything strange and he was enjoying with my presence as I talked a little bit about my life, my job taking care of children and my career projects

- I’ve just watched your performance a couple of times- Eric recognized

- Oh yes, my performance!  We wanted to make something very danceable.  A professional pop song but with also some middle East elements.  I’m from Iran, you know

- Oh really?!

- Yes, I’m the Prince of Persia.

Eric pretended to be shocked with that information

- Oh God! I didn’t know that I was in front of a prince, your majesty- He said before throwing me a pillow he had next to his sit that hit me on my chest

- And you are the prince of pop

We both laughed.  

- I have the whole choreography on my laptop, do you want to watch it?

- I have a better idea.  Tomorrow I’ll be rehearsing for my next tour.  I want to see you dancing live.  Do you have time to be there?

- WHAT? Yes

Eric Saade laughed and we shook hands.

- Sorry, I have to go.  I have things to do- he said and when he mentioned this he seems to be worried for the first time.

I didn’t know what was happening in Eric’s life but I wished deep in my heart that one of the things he had to do won’t be “Danny”.

That Obstacle.   

Welcome to my new life

From Eric Saade’s point of view

I wake up at 3 am.

Once again, I had the same nightmare that pursued  me since the last couple of days.  

The only problem is that, this nightmare will never leave me because it was real.  I was living a new life.  Molly has left me and my heart was broken into pieces I couldn’t imagine I could be recovered.  That was the awful truth.

I went to the restroom and I washed my face.  I had to sleep.  I had a busy schedule.  I had to go to Melodifestivalen and I had some interviews.  Also, I knew I had a meeting with a kid from Norway named Tooji who will represent his country in the Eurovision Song Contest.

When I went back to sleep, I tried to remember what I have dreamt.

It was once again about the day Molly told me it was over.  The worst part of it was that I don’t even know why does it happen?

Why me?

What did I do wrong?

Well, I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend these last weeks but it was just because of my work, not that I really want to hurt her.  

I do it for us!

But she has gone...

Why she didn’t told me something was wrong?

Why we couldn’t get a way to fix this problem?

Why our love had to end like this?

Suddenly I felt I was again in my apartment, some days ago

- Eric, I had to go!- Molly said when I hold her hand trying to make her stop

But I didn’t want that she leave the room.  I don’t wanted to face the truth

- Eric, you are hurting me!- Molly cried.

She sink her fingernails on me and I had to released her.

Molly was just in front of the door.  If I let her go, I knew I won’t see her for a while and my life will be destroyed.  I went down on my knees crying rivers, literary.

- But Molly, why do you do this to me?

My voice broke as I felt destroyed as I never felt before in all my life.

Molly Sandén, my ex girlfriend put her hands on her face and she also started to cry.

- Eric, why do you have to make things more difficult than how they are now?

I couldn’t breathe.  However I made an effort to reply

- Don’t tell me that you are making me good just leaving me alone.  Cause I can’t live without you.

- Eric Saade don’t be such a drama queen! I know you can live without me.  You will survive.  I will do it too.  But I can’t be an obstacle to you.

- Come on Eric, you have big plans and I can’t be a part of your dreams anymore.  You want to conquer the world and be a pop prince when I am just here.  We don’t have time to share as a couple.

- Do you want to go on vacations with me?  We can go far away for a month if you want!

- We have gone on vacation just a few weeks.  Don’t you understand Eric? I am not asking you to leave your career for me... It’s me the one that have to do this sacrifice and leave you

- And what about me? I don’t want to leave you.

- I know, cause you are a good boy... but sometimes, when you love someone you have to let him go.  It’s for your own good Eric... and don’t try to stop me!

Then she went straight to the door and she left me. I wanted to make her stop but I couldn’t.  I felt weak.  As I never felt before.  I lied on the floor just watching how my life was destroyed.

I didn’t sleep well that night.

But life had to continue

The phone rang

- Hi

- Eric? Is that you?

It was Danny Saucedo.  My best friend, my lover, my man.

- Are you drinking again?- He asked me after a short pause

- Yes, I admit.  It was just a glass of vodka.

- Isn’t too early to start drinking?

I felt the urge to start crying but I didn’t do it.  Instead I sighed.

- You are right.  I’m a total idiot.

- Eric, are you ok? I’m going to your apartment right now boy.

- No! I mean, it’s 4 in the morning and you have things to do.

- I’m worried about you.

I sighed again.

Why on earth he was so right about me?

- I’ll be alright Danny.  I swear.

- We have to talk Eric,  This is serious.

Normally I was the good boy who took care of Danny.  But now, after Molly left me...

- Don’t do anything stupid.

- I know- I said and then I added.

- I love you Danny

- I love you too my manboy

A tear fell on my check and I went directly to the sofa hoping that this time, I would not have more dreams.

Finally the sun came up again.

I felt like a soldier after a devastating war.  I survived the nightmares once again.  I felt destroyed but I was still alive and ready for anything that was waiting for me.

As I went back to my rehearsing sessions I remember myself not to respond any question about my new relationship situation to be neutral.

This was going to be a hard job.

If they ask me something, I would just say that I haven’t already take on the bad news.  I just didn’t have enough time to face all the consequences and digest all the consequences of this situation.

Oh God, I felt death every time I said that even if was partly truth.  I was not going to talk with the press about how I was dying day after day since I have broken up with Molly!  It was not their business.

I arrived to the Globen Arena.  I had to prepared a big choreography to perform at the closing ceremony of Melodifestivalen 2012 so I didn’t have time to lose.

- Oh Eric!

Someone just call me and without telling something more, the man take my hand and bring me to his dressing room and close the door before he kissed me.

His lips are sweet and soft as sugar and were all I needed to feel relaxed, and calmed, at least for a moment where I’d be in peace and my mind could forget for a moment that I was in hell.

He put his hands on my head and started looking at me more closely.

- You don’t sleep well.  You are not ok.

- I do.  I am ok Danny.  Thanks to you.

I smiled at him but it didn’t work out.

- I know I can be the crappy boyfriend sometimes and that you are better at doing this but you can’t fool me Eric.  You are not ok since you break up with Molly.

- I’m sorry- Danny Saucedo quickly add when he saw that he was causing me pain just  because he mentioned my ex girlfriend's name

- I am going to be ok, Danny.  I swear- I told him but I could not look directly into his eyes.  - Just promise me that you are going to do your best and win Melodifestivalen

- Are you kidding me?  I am going to win this!

- If you win I am going to give you the award and I am going to kiss you in front of the public.  I am not afraid anymore.  I want to tell that I love you to the whole world.

Danny feel nervous after listening my love statement.

- And I’m sure you’re going to be number one at eurovision

- No way! You are better than me

We kissed again.

- What are you doing here?

We both laughed

- I am rehearsing. Duh!  Remember I am going to be at the final.  Besides, I will also have an interview with Tooji

- WHAT? - Danny shouted

- You know, the guy that is representing Norway this year

- I know- Danny replied in a rude tone.

- I don’t like him- He said and he could not hide that he was feeling uncomfortable after I mentioned Tooji

Wait a minute... was he being jealous?

I had to make a big effort not to laugh.  Because if I laugh I knew Danny would be really angry with me and would never forgive me.  But why could he imagine...?

It sounded like a big joke to me.       

I pretended to make it look like a joke but the expression on Danny’s face was cold so I prefer to ignore what he said.  I promised a thousand times that I would not do anything stupid and a thousand kisses later I said goodbye to my lover and I was ready for another day.

***

- Oh, Eric, you are here!

The boy from Norway was walking directly to me.  I must admit that I didn’t recognize him immediately.  I was really tired after more than an hour, working on my performance.

I liked his tan.  His skin and his face.  He is really a hot boy from the Middle East.

That was the first thing that came to my mind.

But his smile... my Gaydar told me that he might be gay or at least bi but he was definitely not straight.

- Hi Tooji, Are you having a nice week in Sweden?

- Oh please! I’m loving it... and I am going to announce the points from my country at the final.

- That’s great!  Molly... my ex girlfriend and Danny my bo... best friend are in the final

For a second I find that Tooji had exactly the same expression I saw on Danny’s face but then he quickly smile again

- Yes I know!  But I am supporting Loreen

- Oh yes, she is great.  Did you know that last year she...?

We went to my room.  Everything was a mess but Tooji didn’t care at all.  I turn on my Mac and stared at him

- Ok, show me what you’ve prepared

Tooji laughed nervously.  I noticed he was feeling a little bit shy.

- I am not a professional dancer as you are so I created the whole choreography and...

I put a hand on his shoulder  

- I am sure it’s great, just calm down and shoot.

Then I knew that it was the worst idea to do that.  I felt butterflies on my stomach, a feeling that I have only experience with an only boy.  Until now.

However it was not exactly the same.  Something inside of me told me that it was wrong.  So good but so wrong at the same time.

The problem was that, the more I looked at Tooji things were getting a little bit worst... I felt excited, completely excited just with that little touch.

There was something between my legs that it was getting bigger while Tooji was making that, almost erotic dance in front of me

I hear the music as I walk down the street

Start moving to the rhythm, heart is pumping the beat

I hear the people shout out; Turn up the music louder

Better start running if you can't stand the heat

The heat, the heat... the place was getting suddenly hotter.

My penis was fully erected.  

Eric: don’t look directly to him.  Don’t be so evident.  Look at the floor- My consciousness said.

But then I noticed the way he seductively move his hips.  It makes him look like a girl for sure but at the same time it was so damn sexy that...

Was he trying to seduce me to take advantage of me? Cause he was doing really good.

Come on Eric Saade, put your feet on the ground.  Think about

Molly!

That was actually the key.  I just need to think about her to feel the pain.

In less than a blink of an eye the music fades out

- I know I suck at this- Tooji cried with frustration.

- What? Oh no!

- But I just saw the expression on your face

- No, no, no you are great it’s just that...

-What’s wrong?

I couldn’t look on his face anymore.  My face was looking at the ground.

- Nothing... Well I can’t tell you

- Eric, even if I don’t understand what is happening to you, I hope things will be fixed and that you can smile again- the boy told me and without waiting for my response I was covered in his arms.  

I would never imagine that he could hug so hard but so sweet at the same time

- Thanks Danny

That was probably the worst thing I could told him but I didn’t mean it.

It was not really my fault.  It was my brain who played me these tricks.

Suddenly Tooji got away from me

- You must be tired

- I guess you’re right.  

But then I added before leaving the door.

- I am sorry you have to see me this way Tooji.  I am just a disaster.  Everything in me is a disaster these days and I can’t do things right.

- Do you mind if I take a walk with you before you leave to your house? I will invite you a drink.

- I guess- I said even if I wasn’t sure about it.

I closed my eyes and I just walked.  Over the next few minutes I didn’t think.  I let the boy that looked so protective and wiser than me lead me whenever he wanted and when I could see clear I find out that I was in a Café.