Chapter 5- Justify My Love

"I CHOOSE…"


Danny Saucedo, Eric Saade and Molly Sandén fanfiction, written by Kikisan.


Please, do not repost it in any place without asking permission and crediting me & this forum, thank you! This fanfic is inspired off course by Eric, his amazing girlfriend, his talented friend Danny and my friend Nika who has previously posted a fanfic just for fun. All events described here are not necessary true (but we can pretend they are just for a moment!).


Chapter 5- Justify My Love




Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another


-    Honey, what are you talking about? What do you know?
Oh dear, at least I sounded more convincing and secure this time. Maybe she was just trying to put me in proof. I won’t say anything. I was actually prepared to deny everything.
But Molly then just laughed. It was a cold laugh that scares me. She wasn’t happy at all but my lack of honesty makes her laugh somehow. I felt weak behind her.
-    So you prefer to keep lying to me instead of facing the truth of what you’ve done- she continued being ruthless.
-    What’s my crime then? What have I done to make you feel so upset? Come on, tell me- I challenged her.


-    Alright Eric. I gave you the opportunity to say everything all by yourself but you refused it…


She looked like one of these hard policewomen from an American crime tv series, the ones that makes the interrogatory to the bad guys. We just needed a light pointing me and I’d be playing the role of the criminal. I didn’t want to but I laughed. Molly ignored me.


And by the expression of her face, I made her feel disappointed for making this situation even harder, maybe thinking that I’d be sorry for not accepting her offer. What could I do? If I’d do what she wanted, I was sure I won’t live to tell.


-    Eric, you have cheated on me and you know it.
-    No, I haven’t cheated on you, Molly- I said. This time I use a serious tone.
-    Please, stop lying to me- she asked me with pain.
-    But I am not lying to you, sweetie.
-    Do you really want that I tell you that I’ve been there cheating on you with another girl? Is this really what you want to hear from me, Molly Sandén?
I recover my self confidence. I could lie about this subject with Molly, simply because, in my personal dictionary, making love with Danny has never been considered as cheating on Molly. Thanks God for that.


She laughed again with that kind of laugh you have when someone is trying to fool you.


-    No, I just want that you tell me the truth.
-    But that’s all the truth. Can we please go back to sleep?
-    And how was Danny by the way?
-    Why did you keep mentioning Danny? He has nothing to be with this.


Molly sighed resigned.


-    Eric Khaled Saade, you make me do this:


She took a long breathe before finishing her sentence


-    I know you have cheated on me with Danny.
-    No!- I lied.


I was dying inside


-    Enough- she said. She wasn’t angry, it was more like if she was crying begging for me to stop lying in front of her.
-     I know it all; please don’t try to deny it. You can’t hide the truth.


A couple of tears fell on Molly’s cheeks but she was disposed to keep it up. I was on the opposite. I didn’t know what to do, my heart was beating really fast; I was sweating like crazy. I felt nervous and weak, like a little boy who has been lost from his parents I was sure I’d faint soon. But there was nothing I could do to stop the fire.


I was sure; Molly noticed how I feel just by looking in my face because she suddenly changed the tone of her voice. She stopped accusing me and it sounded softer, like if she was taking all of her patience outside trying to explain a little stupid boy why one plus one equals two.


-    Eric, you are a celebrity. People will finally know all about you: everywhere you go, every person you met, everything can be found on the net. There are videos, blogs, Popularintheclub.tumblr.com, ericsaade.forumotion.com, just to mention some examples.
-    I have no idea about any of these…
-    Second, I have talked to Danny.
-    Don’t worry, he never told me what you were doing- she explained after watching the expression of my face. It was pure fear and displeasure.
-    But we girls always know how to make boys talk without they even notice what they are saying.


Even being horrified, I must admit that I felt proud of my girl. d**n, she was a master!


-    Third, I have read your email.
-    What? Molly, how dare you?
-    I know it was the most repulsive thing I could do and I shouldn’t do this. I’m sorry for this, but I’ve got to find out what was happening. - She replied so fast, trying to avoid something she clearly disliked about herself.
-    But what the hell! I need a confirmation and this helped me to know the truth.
-    And finally. I’ve noticed how you have changed.
-    Yes, Eric, you have changed even if you haven’t realized about it. We spent more time together. Now you keep secrets with me.
-    Molly… I’m sorry. - My voice just collapsed.
I didn’t know what to say. I was trapped and I was feeling weak and also there was nothing I could do to feel safe. Oh Jesus, how much I was missing Danny at this moment.


Molly felt my weakness and she wisely took this sign as a confirmation of what she has already known. She sighed.
-    Eric, I’ve always understood that there are thousands of boys and girls that are in love with you and that are following every step you take because, d**n, Eric you are so good, you are a lovely boy.
-    Should I ask you to just love me and ignore the rest of the world? No! And that’s why I am not requesting your exclusivity. I am just asking for your loyalty.
-    So now, answer. Will you be loyal to me forever? No matter what it costs?
I couldn’t say a single word. I was just trying to assimilate all the information and to survive after this avalanche of facts that has crushed me. I could not even breathe, it would be actually impossible for me to say a single word then.


How can a human life felt into pieces in less than an hour? My world was turn upside down and now I don’t even know what would happened to me or in what to believe? Everything was just like a dream. A very sick dream I would like to stop and wake up but I couldn’t do this because it was too real. And painful.


We kept in silence for the next seconds. I don’t know how much time it passed but it was definitely more than a minute, just looking each other’s faces. Molly was waiting for my answer but I wasn’t able to speak. My brain was frozen.


-    So…? - She sighed. - I understand.
-    It actually could be worst. But I think you have made a good choice. I can’t judge you for choosing my cousin, I mean Danny. He is such a hunk! And he is also a good guy Eric. I am sure he can make you happy. He really loves you and cares a lot for you. And he is a good friend.


Wait… what was she saying? Why was Molly comparing herself with Danny? That is so ridiculous! She was my girlfriend; I mean she IS my girlfriend. Why is she thinking…? What is she trying to tell me? Oh God, why I’m so lazy? Is she trying to…?
Oh no…


Tears started streaming down my face. I couldn’t control myself.


-    No- I cried asking for mercy.
-    No- I repeated- Molly, don’t do this to me. I love you!
She looked directly to my eyes. She was feeling sorry for me and for making me suffer. She was about to cry but she was making an extraordinary effort to keep herself in control of her emotions.
-    I know Eric. I know that you love me… but you also love him and you can’t choose. That would be so painful. That would destroy you.


I feel tempted to lie. I’d do anything for my girl. I wanted to lie and tell her that I didn’t feel anything for Danny. That everything was just a big mistake and that I have a good explanation. But I couldn’t. It was just not fair. She has asked me to be loyal to her. No matter what it costs.


-    You feel so confused. Sometimes you feel angry or sad for having such feelings. Once you feel that you love me more than him, sometimes is quite the opposite. It really depends on your mood. You’d probably love to stop your feelings, but you can’t because they are part of you. And if you actually did it… you’d be destroying yourself. I don’t want to ask you this. Because I love you just the way you are.
I can’t believe it, that was so me. Molly knows me better than I do. I couldn’t describe my feelings better than she was doing… or…
-    Eric, you are not alone. – She said with a tender tone while touching my face. She was acting like my mum.
-     I understand how bad you feel… of course I know that. I know EXACTLY how you feel!
When Molly said these last words she looked at me in a deep way I have never saw in her before. It was like she was opening her soul to me and now I have discovered a part of my girlfriend I’ve never noticed.


She knew exactly how I feel. She has felt the same as I do. I was shocked and believe me; I didn’t feel prepared to know more about Molly’s own story. I could skip the details. At least for now. I am not sure if I could react as calm as she was acting right now.


-    A human’s heart is so complex you know. And you are a lover, not a fighter.
Finally I was feeling understood. But suddenly she became as serious as she was previously.
-    So, Eric, I’ll ask you this again and I hope you tell me the truth: Will you be loyal to me forever? No matter what it costs?
-    Yes, dear. I’ll be loyal to you.
I probably answer this question too fast because she didn’t look convinced.


-    Do you know what it means to be loyal? That means that you’ll have to be honest to me. Always. If you want to be with Danny, you have to tell me. If you have plans where I’m not included, you also have to tell me. If you are in love of someone new, you have to tell me.
-    Finally but not least, if you’ve decided that you don’t love me anymore you should tell me. But don’t try to fool me, not even for a second.
-    Molly, how can you think that I could live without you? - I replied shocked.
-    Eric! I should know.
-    I promise; I’ll be good. I’m sorry for making you suffer. You don’t deserve this because… you’re the most wonderful woman I have or will ever meet.


-    But please don’t leave me. - I finished my sentence. I was begging for her mercy and I won’t let her go.
-    Eric, I love you more than you can imagine and I don’t want you go away. I won’t leave you unless you ask me to do this. And I believe in your words… I truly believe you love me.
-    Thanks Molly.
-    Why are you thanking me this time, my brave gentleman?
-    Thanks for making me feel free for the very first time in months.
-    Oh, you’re welcome. But you are the only one who can set you free. Now kiss me, manboy.


I don't wanna be your mother
I don't wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
Kiss me, that's right, kiss me


We joined a kiss and I rest in peace for a while close to my girlfriend. My Molly, only she can send me to the deepest part of the hell and then come to redeem me as my savior and bring me back to heaven.
Now I was talking to her so openly, in a way I could never imagined I’d be able to use to her. And I was so happy for this.


-    I always knew something was there. I mean, since I was a little kid, I knew that I was different.
-    That you also felt attracted to boys.
-    Yes- I admitted. I still was feeling ashamed for saying this out loud. - I never get to feel comfortable with this taste. So I try to hide it, bury it into the deepest place of my body; just ignore it. It worked for a while.
-     But the feelings came back.
-    Yes. How do you know?
-    Continue.
-    They did. When I was a teenager and I used to play football most of the time. I’ve got my first serious crush on a boy. I didn’t understand what was happening with me, I hated myself and the worst part is that I didn’t trust in anyone to tell this. Art was my refuge.
-    So what did you do?
-    Nothing of course. I always cover my feelings, pretending that they didn’t exist. Finally this boy went away and I felt safe. Then I met you and for a long time I forgot about this part of me.
-    The other part of you. Always present but always hated. Like two different sides of a coin or to options. The one you want, “your correct answer” (your attraction to girls) and the “wrong one” (your attraction to boys). But there’s no such a thing as a wrong answer, both sides of the coin create the coin itself.
-    You sound like a psychoanalyst- I commented making that Molly laughed for a while.


-    So you always tried to deny it until you met Danny.
-    It was the first time I’ve opened my feelings to another person. And Danny was almost in the same situation. It was… a physical attraction that became something more.
-    You started accepting that these feelings existed and that you couldn’t control them, but you stilled were doing things wrong, trying to hide your feelings as if they were a crime or something wrong. Living another life…
-    What else could I do?- I questioned Molly- I couldn’t tell you suddenly one day: “hi honey, got some news? Cause I have something to tell you; I’ve discovered that I’m bisexual”
-    And you still feel uncomfortable when you openly think about who you are.
-    I do- I admitted.
-    Eric, there’s no dark side in you. You are a good boy. You’ve always tried to hide this part of you when you really have to reconcile both sides. I’ll be with you.
-    Will you? I’m the luckiest guy on earth for having you.
-    Sure, I will be there. I know you are a good person, but most important, I love you just as you are.


I loved her supporting words but I also feel afraid. There was a voice inside of me that was telling me that I’ll never be ok. And it scares me. I bit my lip.
-    Eric, sleep well.
I knew it would be impossible for me to do this.


I had a dream. I was trapped in my bed, tied on every corner of the bed by chains.
But I wasn’t in my room. I was in the middle of a cage on an arena. It looked like a circus… but it was empty.


Got me chained
Got me locked
Think I’m free but I’m not


No one was watching me… except for Molly. She was putting her hands on the grills watching me with mercy.
-    Molly, get me out of here.- I begged her
-    I can’t do this, Eric- she cried
-    Of course you can. You have the keys!
I didn’t know why but I was sure she had the power to safe me.
-    She quickly denied it.
-    Molly, please… Molly!- I called her because she just disappeared with the dark.
And I was alone again in my cage. No one could help me.


Suddenly I saw a light. It was an angel flying with his wings to my cage. The angel was naked, it was beautiful and he looked like…. Måns Zelmerlöw?
The angelical Måns entered to the cage and placed himself in front of me. He kissed my forehead, my nose and then… my lips. And he smiled.
-    Look, M you’ve got to help me- I started trying to reason with a naked man just covered by a pair of wings who have enter to the cage where I was locked and then kissed me.
But Måns just smiled.
-    I can’t
-    How can you say this? - I replied.- Look, you are magic! I’m sure you can liberate me
-    Thanks, but I can’t do this. Only you can free yourself.
-    Haven’t you seen me? I can’t move my body, I’m enchained.
But he just ignored me.
-    Goodbye Eric.
-    Great! Leave me, nobody cares.
-    Look, only you can defeat your demons.
-    Enough!- I shout with anger and I guess this make the angel disappear.


But then I was alone again until…
-    Eric?
-    Danny is it you?- I could recognize this voice at any circumstances including my dreams but I didn’t see where it comes from.
-    Danny where are you? - I need your help.
Everything was in silence again.
-    Danny where are you? - I asked again desperately.
-    Danny, Danny! Don’t leave me.


-    Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me.
-    Eric, honey wake up!
I opened my eyes. Molly was watching me with worry in her eyes. I was crying. And even if I knew it was just a dream the fear still was with me. I felt broken and vulnerable. I tried to avoid my girlfriend’s eyes; she can feel my pain and I didn’t want to make her feel worst, just because of a stupid nightmare.
-    I won’t leave you, boy- she said to me, concerned about my reaction.
Then she gave me a warm protective hug.
-    I know sweetie.
-    Now, please go back to sleep. It’s four in the morning.
-    Oh no, I’ll be late for the rehearsals- I remembered.
-    No way, I’ll cancel everything you have to do tomorrow. You’re tired and… I’m sure you need to give yourself a time to think.


I didn’t feel in peace but after a few minutes I could close my eyes again and sleep.